We had our team christmas Breakfast yesterday. OB was there. (remember his kid is on my team) It was his birthday. I had brought him a bottle of wine to wish him a happy birthday. So i walked out to his truck to wish him a happy birthday. (This is not anything I wouldn’t have done for any of my other friends) But he opened his door and was so excited. Then he grabbed my side and said that sweater is so adorable. (it was an ugly sweater breakfast). But it was electric. How is that possible that someone can do those things that feel so amazing and seem so normal around you. Then when we were leaving he walked me to my car and gave me a hug. We haven’t hugged since august. I fit perfectly in his arms. With my head on his chest. It’s funny how feeling so comforted by him is ridiculous. I feel over him. But i still feel so safe in his arms.
I got a text from OB last night - asked me to come have a drink watch some football. I actually inferred “we probably should finally talk about what happened in August.” I mean - we haven’t hung-out since the magically romantic night in my brothers garage. So i didn’t really think this was going to just be a hang session this was going to be the moment where he tells me that was bad. Or he is going to propose to his new girlfriend or she is pregnant or some form of those facts.
However - I didn’t feel like going. Thats how over the douche’s i am. I want someone who will pick me. Pick me as their choice! The asshole is right though - I picked two guys who despite having a 30 year age gap (only slightly wrong with the gap) I picked two men who are in fact children. So I didn’t go. I barely texted back. I said “Um was this for me?” because we haven’t really even talked. I accidentally let it slip that i missed our friendship a couple weeks ago - but i thought he didn’t hear me since he didn’t even acknowledge that I had said it. So i definitely didn’t think he meant to ask me to hangout not on monday night football. He responded with a “yes”.
I am trying to do this new thing where I am pretending I am worthy of so much more than i think i am. (Fake it till you believe it.)
It’s funny when I think back to a year ago. My life was so different. I am happy where I am. I am happy where I am going. These minor setbacks are just that. minor setbacks. I have a job I love. Kids I love working with. A few very close friends who I love.
I’m ready to move on.